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Firm Partner Confronts Bear

The following facts are “bearly” embellished.

On July 16, 2013 at approximately 2AM, Boy Scout Camp LaNoChe in Paisley, Florida was invaded by a hostile enemy force, namely, a Florida Black Bear, codenamed “Fred.” The bear entered the Activity Shelter/Scoutmaster Quarters, upon information and belief, in search of an unopened care package sent to one of the campers from Troop 774 from Jupiter, Florida.

At the time of the attack, the Activity Shelter was defended by four Assistant Scoutmasters (“ASMs”), including Firm Partner Ryon McCabe. All of the ASMs had received extensive outdoor training, and all were fast asleep when Fred made his entrance. In order to improve ventilation, moreover, the ASMs had left the interior doors to their sleeping quarters open, thereby making it easier to view dangerous wildlife in the Activity Shelter.

The bear, in complete disregard for LaNoChe Camp Rules, the BSA Guide to Safe Scouting, and Florida trespass laws, entered the Activity Shelter by means of the exterior door, manipulating said door with his paws and/or snout (results still subject to forensic analysis).

Once inside the Activity Shelter, the bear began molesting Troop 774 property and behaving in a disorderly fashion.

After a period of time, ASM Donald Wagner, who was assigned to night duty, noticed the intruder and alerted his fellow scout leaders by yelling “Bear!!!!!!!” in a loud and strong voice. The voice showed no signs of panic whatsoever. It was clear and manly.

ASM McCabe, aroused from his slumber, questioned the veracity of the report and advised everyone to go back to sleep. Several loud noises followed, as the bear began to knock over Troop property and violate other provisions of the Troop 774 “Special Rules for Camping and Outings.”

ASM Wagner, consistent with the highest traditions of BSA bravery and courage, continued to sound an alarm, by yelling “Bear!!!! Bear!!!!! Bear!!!!!”repeatedly. Again, the voice was strong and manly.

The bear, fearing an attack by ASM Wagner, retreated to the opposite side of the Activity Shelter.

ASM Daniel Hoens, displaying the highest traditions of BSA bravery and courage, and in complete disregard for his own personal safety, then advanced upon the animal, far enough to turn on the light. ASM Hoens thereby exposed the strange noises for what they were: a real and actual Florida Black Bear.

ASM McCabe and Cox, now convinced of the authenticity of earlier reports, proceeded to join Wagner in the general alarm by shouting “Bear!!!!! Bear!!!! Bear!!!” Their voices were also strong and manly, showing no signs of panic or fear.

Recognizing the prowess of the force assembled against him, the bear retreated by scaling the walls of the Activity Shelter (see attached photo) and perching himself upon the rafters above the ceiling fans.

The ASMs, immediately recognizing that the bear had seized advantageous high ground, intensified their verbal attack upon the animal, hurling insults and promising to cut a corner from his camping card. The ASMs also insured that all campers were safe and instructed them to remain in their cabins, as the ASMs had the cornered-bear-situation “under control.”

The bear — in fear of the brave ASMs confronting him — then evacuated his bowels from a distance of approximately fifteen feet above the ground, defiling a BSA camping chair and the floor of the Activity Shelter. ASM Wagner, a stickler for the “clean” prong of the Scout Law, promised to “make him pay for that one.”

Having lightened his load, the bear next made a surprise counter attack and began to advance across the rafters toward the ASM sleeping quarters! At this, ASM McCabe, consistent with the highest standards of BSA bravery and courage, yelled, “He’s coming toward our rooms!!!!!!”

All four ASMs then withdrew, braving a minefield of bear poop and urine along the way, and took up defensive positions outside the Activity Shelter. The four ASMs secured all kid cabins and kept an eager eye on the bear.

From their safe vantage point, the ASMs observed the bear cross the rafters and enter the sleeping quarters of ASM Cox and McCabe. The bear climbed onto the top sleeping bunk of ASM Cox. In a strange twist of the classic Goldilocks tail, however, the bear did not like Cox’s bed, as it was apparently too soft (a complaint Cox had been making himself since arriving at the camp).

Rather than remain in Cox’s overly soft bed, the bear turned around and went back to the rafters. He then dropped from the rafters crashing into a Camp LaNoChe table and coffee pot, destroying both items without paying for them.

The bear then exited the Activity Shelter, fleeing into the woods in cowardly fashion. The ASMs observed him from a safe distance and continued to hurl painful insults upon the retreating animal (no foul language was employed).

After securing the area, the ASMs conducted a “shakedown” of all kid cabins to double check that no kids had food in their cabins. “Not even a tic tac,”warned ASM McCabe. (Later investigation revealed the only violators of the “no food” rule were, in fact, the ASMs.)

Reports differed as to the overall size and weight of the animal. ASM Cox reported that the bear was “really big,” to which ASM Wagner and Hoens responded, “bigger.” No official estimate was made, so as not to interfere with the tall tales certain to follow the incident.

For bravery in the face of danger, for coolness under fire, and for exercising calm judgment in the face of dangerous wildlife, the scout troop nominated ASM Ryon McCabe for the “Distinguished Jellystone Award” for courage and bravery.

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